Chapter 6. Humans relationships: It is and isn’t our fault

Mr. Clear
5 min readDec 12, 2021

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As desire machines, all of our relationships are based on our desires.

In chapter 1, we saw that we have desires about everything in our lives, from the weather to our iPhones to the people in our lives.

Our desires for and in regards to something are what define our relationship to it.

First, we either want it or we don’t. And next, if we do want it, we usually want it to be a certain way.

When it comes to humans, we want them to be or act a certain way.

We want our parents to be more lenient and loving or less overbearing and protective.

We want our friends to be loyal, to be there for us.

We want our significant others to love us unconditionally, to be empathetic and understanding, to not cheat on us.

We want certain people we don’t like not to get what they want, to feel pain, and even to die.

And since the way we are and what we do is the result of our desires and beliefs, basically, we want others to have specific desires and beliefs.

First, we want others to have the same beliefs as us.

Mostly because when we share the same belief, it makes it easier to get what we want.

If everyone believes that you deserve what you believe you deserve, then they’ll give you everything you want from them.

But it’s also because of the nature of belief.

As we saw in Chapter 2, we form beliefs in order to get what we want.

And the nature of belief is such that, the moment we form a belief, we feel like we’re right.

We feel like it’s the truth.

Our belief seems undeniable and any conflicting belief seems wrong.

But, we constantly update our older beliefs, because we find them wrong or incomplete.

It can be something small like adjusting our belief about how much salt is ideal for our favorite dish or something big like converting religions.

Everything is constantly changing — the world, us, and our beliefs.

So just as we’ve been wrong and updated our beliefs in the past, we’re going to continue to do so.

So, to be human is to feel like we’re right about each and every one of our beliefs, even though we have been, could be, and will be wrong about many of them.

We cling to our beliefs.

We search for information that confirms our beliefs and discredit information that challenges them.

And we look to others to validate our beliefs.

We want to be proven right through others’ agreement. We want to be reassured that we’re seeing things the right way.

We try to find people who share our beliefs and spend time with them.

And we try persuade, hurt, or avoid those who don’t.

Next, for each person in our lives, we either want them in our lives or not.

And if we do want them in our lives, we want them to be or act a specific way, which means that we want them to have specific desires.

In order for people to be or act a certain way, lenient, loyal, or loving, they need to have the desire to do so.

And not just the desire, but it needs to be strong enough to win out above any conflicting desires.

Because when others do what we want, we feel emotions that we want to feel and vice-versa.

When someone does us a favor, gives us a gift, or loves us back, we feel emotions like happiness and joy.

When someone hit us, lies to us, or breaks up with us, we feel emotions like anger and sadness.

Then we try to get more of what we want, through reward and punishment.

When others are the way we want them to be or do what we want them to do, we reward them.

A smile is a reward. Signs of affection like hugs and kisses are rewards. Love languages like acts of services and gifts are rewards.

A reward is something they they want, that we give them not just to let them that they did what we wanted, but to encourage them to continue doing so.

On the other hand, when others aren’t or don’t, we punish them.

When others hurt us, we want them to feel the way we do. Or we want to discourage them from doing so again.

But our beliefs and desires are going to conflict with others’.

Our beliefs and desires are unique.

No two people have the same set.

So they’re going to conflict.

Sometimes people are going to agree with us and sometimes they aren’t.

Sometimes they’re going to be or act the way we want and sometimes they’re not.

And when they do, our consciousness is going to see the other person as the cause.

Whether someone helps us or hurts us, they’re the cause of our joy or pain.

They’re to praise or blame. They’re to reward or punish.

They were the ones who were or acted a certain way that made us feel emotions we didn’t want to feel.

It’s their fault that they’re flawed, inadequate, or weak. (Or strong.)

It’s their fault that they have the issues they do due to our childhood trauma. (Or that they don’t have any issues.)

Our consciousness believes that others should be the way we want them to be and do what we want them to do.

But our awareness realizes that they don’t have to be or act a certain way. And if there’s something to blame, it’s our desires.

We want others to be or act a certain way.

But they want to be or act the way that they want to.

And sometimes our desires match up, and sometimes they don’t.

And since we don’t get to choose our desires, it’s no one’s fault.

It’s not others’ fault that they aren’t the way we want them to be and don’t do what we want them to do but it’s also not our fault that we have the desires and expectations we do in the first place.

It’s no one’s fault that we have the qualities and flaws that we do. That we have the issues that we do.

It’s no one’s fault that sometimes our desires are compatible and sometimes they conflict.

So when someone is or acts a certain way, whether they hurt (or help) us, we feel like it is and isn’t their fault, at the same time.

They were the ones who performed the action but they didn’t get to choose to be the person committing that action. They didn’t get to choose the desire to perform that action.

And it is and isn’t our fault that we expect them to be or act a certain way in the first place.

Our desires or expectations caused our pain, but we didn’t get to choose those either.

And that’s why relationships are so hard — because we’re trying to get what we want from someone else while both parties’ consciousness and awareness are battling.

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Mr. Clear

Clarifying the human experience.